Seeing it how it is.

In a recent visit to my mum, she gave me some old photos. It was with some trepidation that I looked at them. I knew that they were of me and my lovely dad who passed away 16 years ago.  However, once I had looked at them and shed a few tears over my lovely Dad, I was shocked.

At the time the photos were taken I was about 27 years old. I worked in London, and my memories of that time were of feeling completely inadequate not just about my weight, but also my looks. I remember going to social events and always feeling that I was the ugly duckling of the group. On the outside, I was bubbly and talkative, mainly because I always made sure that I had a couple of drinks before I went out. On the inside, however, I was shy, introverted and always felt that everyone else was better than me in looks, personality and particularly in body size.

It was a time in my life when I worked hard and played hard. I had a good job and a lot of friends, most of whom would have been very surprised to learn how I felt about my body.  I come from a brilliant family and have always shared great times and lots of laughter with them. My Dad, although never huge, had issues with being a little overweight, and together we would try all sorts of diets and exercise programmes. These would usually end with an all you can eat buffet, several drinks,  and a sense that the diet just wasn't working for us.

So back to the photos. The biggest shock to me was that staring back at me from these photos was a babe! A good looking young woman, but not just that, a SLIM good looking young woman! All those years of feeling angst about my looks and body shape, and there all along I was already who I thought I wanted to be!

The really sad thing, however, is that because at the time I did not feel slim or pretty, I made it into a self fulfilling prophecy and gradually gained weight until the outer image fitted the inner image. So started a battle with my weight that still exists today.

However, even though I now weigh considerably more than I did in those photos, I feel that my weight issues have been resolved. I am much more confident about how I look than I ever was, and my weight is coming down slowly but surely, and has been for a good few months.

My weight does not stop me from doing anything anymore,  and I am comfortable in my own skin. I want to lose the excess weight because I know that I will be even healthier if I do. I also know that, with the changes I have made in my lifestyle and the habits that I am gradually adopting, by the end of 2012 I will again be my ideal weight. The difference this time is that I will be happy and content with how much I weigh and how I look.

However, I am not waiting until I see that magic number on the scales to live my life. I am living my life right now, and although I will never again be that 27 year old babe,  I do know that now I am completely fabulous!